My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
