Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You pole danced in your parka.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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