why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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