You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
