Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
