the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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