you win again, gameday.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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