are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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