Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
