She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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