nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
