She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
