two words...techno handjob
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
