I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
