I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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