yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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