turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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