i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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