Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
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