forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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