so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
