did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
