My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Dear god my vagina.
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