Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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