Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
