If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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