I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize