I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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