I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
