I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
