this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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