do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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