you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
