Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
