I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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