I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
