Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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