mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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