he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
