He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
