i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
