My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
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The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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