Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
