DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
