then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
