Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
