I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Dicks are not precious.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
