Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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