I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
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Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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