so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
