Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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