He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
