Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
