So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
