She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you traded sex for a burrito?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
